One Upper Crusades: 5 Ways to Stop a Constant Interrupter

Ever been in the middle of telling your friends, family or coworkers about the incredible trip you took over the weekend or the exciting sat-on-the-edge-of-your-seat-the-entire-time movie you watched and, next thing you know, some moron rudely interrupts right in the middle of it all to loudly tell their completely unrelated and clearly irrelevant experience they had last year at the local Stop-n-Shop? You know the one... the loud-mouth buffoon that can't let anyone else get an intelligent word in edgewise. They just CANNOT wait for anyone to finish a sentence before blurting out, "Oh! No, wait! Get this!!..." Yeah... that one. It gives me the sudden urge to bop 'em right on the nose like an over-stimulated puppy, and then condescendingly explain that they must wait their turn like everyone else on the playground.

Is it my turn? It's my turn right?!?

To be perfectly honest, I'm sure I've done it once or twice myself... as a kid maybe! And, my mother or grandmother appropriately snapped, "Susannah Lynn (in the most southern fashion and using as many syllables as possible), we do NOT interrupt when others are speaking!" as I cowered into the nearest corner dropping my head down in shame. I honestly don't believe these child-like individuals intentionally interrupt everyone around them whenever the slightest hint of an opportunity presents itself. However, it's extremely rude nonetheless. And, some of them appear to relish in their fatuous behavior... vaguely appearing interested (as though they really give a hoot or even heard a word you've said) waiting for that ripe moment to destroy any chance of our seemingly boring renditions, exclaiming, "Oh my Gawd! That's nothing compared to when me and so-and-so took that trip to (insert cliche Spring Break destination here) last summer and... blah, blah, blah" ...you get the picture.

Here's a few ideas on how to stop these narcissistic convo-obstructers right in their tracks! Of course, there's the obvious and not-so-subtle option of crying out, "Excuse me! I'm not finished yet you little (insert expletive here)" but you end up coming off a bigger jerk than they are... So, why not try one of these suggestions for correcting your little interrupting Ingrid.

1. Humor (always my favorite!) - Upon the heckler's rude interruption, make a joke... something like, "Okay Helen, you've failed me for the last time! You're fired!" Yes, it's at their expense but no need to be rude or insensitive... just a little light humor to distract them while you take back the reins. Plus, it fulfills their need to be the center of attention, so as long as you're not all Cruella Deville about it they might actually enjoy the humor in the situation and bow out of the conversation.

2. Posturing - Next time Uncle Harry just can't keep his mouth shut about how he was so ticked off because the Quick Mart was out of his favorite pack of tobacc-er for the ump-teenth time this month, simply position yourself in front of him and continue on with your story speaking just loudly enough that you overshadow him... he'll hopefully get the picture and pipe down while you finish your conversation. Equally effective technique if you ever find yourself surrounded by wolves in the wild, but I digress...

3. Kill 'em with Kindness - Butter them up by quickly complementing them on how spectacular they look in their cute new dress, "Oh my goodness, you're sooooo pretty today!" Hint: this is not as effective if you laugh while saying it. Or tell him how smart he looks with his new tie... contrary to the female version, it is okay here to ask them if their mom helped them get dressed that morning (guys can take the sarcasm a little better). Then, just as quickly take over the conversation again while continuing your tale. They'll probably be a little dumbfounded at first. But, then their little egos will be bursting with joy while, there again, feeling like the center of attention. 

4. Time Out! - Bluntly, call them out (not to be confused with the Nazi-like response previously described, but more so in the parent-ly way of disciplining those that can't follow the rules of engagement). Simply present them with their dunce cap (you did have this prop already prepared right?) and banish them to the corner. I mean, if they're going to act like a spas-tastic kitten on catnip put their little butts back in the cage. Tell them they can come out when they learn to act like the rest of the grown folks.

5. Join in the Fun - Last resort: humor them for the moment... laugh and carry on about how epic their latest incantation of 'Girls Gone Wild' must have been. Giving in to their whims may seem like you're throwing in the towel, but eventually everyone will lose interest in their antics and scatter back to their respective cubes muttering along the way, "I can't believe Laura did that again... what a loser!" Don't think of it as failure, rather an opportunity to show how amicable and respectful you can be amongst such chodes. All the while, continuing to plan your attack for the next interaction with li'l Honey Boo Boo. It's a win, win here.

It can be unnerving to say the least, feeling like you're in some sort of competition with these flagrant infuriaters... However, consider it a challenge and come up more ingenious ways of dealing with all the one-uppers in your life while maintaining your composure. What would you do?

photo credits: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/aisack/3853320929/">aisack</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/demibrooke/2336528544/">db Photography | Demi-Brooke</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ecocentrik/3348310749/">Rafael Robayna - ecocentrik.com</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingering/96196791/">Malingering</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

Gender Magic: The 5 L's of Love

Want the recipe for a perfect relationship/marriage? Surprise! There isn't one!!

Relationships are what you make of them... heard this before? Maybe so, but I may be able to provide some additional insight... throughout my experiences I've learned that although it does take a lot of work to keep a good thing going, it really is quite simple. Live, Listen, Laugh, Love, and Learn... feeling enlightened yet? Just keep reading, just keep reading.. ;-)

1. LIVE - If you want to be a positive influence in your relationships you've got to live a little... or a lot in some cases. Explore life, whether it's traveling the world (or just your community)... get out and about! Go see what's happening outside your little bubble of existence... in my country, we 'Mericans think we're the biggest and the best-est and nowhere's better than the good 'ole U.S. of A. Not saying we're wrong or anything (heh heh... heh) but it's good to see/hear/smell/taste what's outside of our norm. It confines you to egocentrism (I think that's a word) which can literally be depressing... and who wants to be around that? Exactly! So, get out and about and live life to the fullest... at the very least you'll cultivate some interesting stories to share with your camp. YOU'LL NEED STORIES!

2. LISTEN - Can you hear me now? Well, then take out those earplugs and pay attention to those around you. Don't just listen with your ears either... be your own Captain of Awareness in a 'sea of love lyrics.' Pay attention to the not so obvious things like body language, simple gestures may convey a lot... especially combined with tone of voice. Note: this is why you should not argue via text, written words, and even the phone if possible. So much is lost in translation when you're not seeing the whole picture. Listening is an art in itself (check out more on the art of listening here http://www.dumblittleman.com/2009/09/master-art-of-listening-and-watch-all.html)... and like Beyonce sings, "I'll be moving on... if you don't, if you won't (listen)!"

3. LAUGH - this one's my fave! If you're not laughing a lot then you're not living!! Laughter really is the best medicine... I can't remember a time when I ever regretted laughing and I laugh a lot. Loudly. I embarrass my family I laugh so loud sometimes... but I really can't help it (nor do I care)! Sometimes it's even uncontrollable (borderline disorder maybe?). HA! I digress... check out this funny bit: http://youtu.be/3Nj1pf5fY7g. Seriously though (tee hee)... if you can't laugh at all the amazing things in life you are taking things too seriously and missing out on a free and totally natural remedy for all the crap out there that surrounds us and brings us down. There's a lot of bad out there... and it's so easy to let all the bad bring us down. The negativity can literally rot you inside and infect those around you if you're not careful. I've never met a negative person that people didn't want to run from... it can push people away from you and extinguish any flames that are fueling relationships. Speaking of flames, I personally want to thank my dad for teaching me that nothing's funnier than farts (of all kinds and manners... especially the elephant running under your chair kind, and barking spiders... and the ones with wooden props like the dining room table bench sat on at supper time... those made even the tiniest of slip-ups reverberate throughout the whole house!!). Adding flame to it just makes it that much more 'explosive!' So, laugh like nobody's business and good things will happen to you and those fortunate enough to be around you.

4. LOVE - 'Birds do it! Bees do it! Let's fall in love!' Don't be scurred... I know that seems like I'm stating the obvious but there are sooooo many ways to show love. Yeah, you can shower your loved ones with gifts and take them all over the globe (and maybe the universe in the near future), but how do you really love someone? For some, it's in the not-so-obvious things like opening the door for them, taking the trash out, giving them a kiss on the way out the door, or a kiss goodnight (we don't always have the same sleep cycles). It could be making a candlelit dinner one night or watching a special movie together... doesn't have to be a cheesy love story either. He may like 'Star Trek' and 'Kick Ass' too... or the latest documentary on interspecies communication. The intimacy of enjoying time together and a relaxing environment help foster the relationship. Not big on TV or movies? Go to a football game, hunting together or take a day trip to the nearest park... you can even squeeze (or sneak) in a simple picnic here too which can always lead to great meh-mor-eees! Or do something nostalgic like going to the carnival, an amusement park, or watching fireworks together... so many possibilities! The main point here is to share moments together and enjoy each other's company. Sometimes we get so busy in our lives that we don't take the time to pause and just enjoy being in the company of those we love. It really can be hard to do it, but once you do you'll truly be glad you did and won't want to stop.

Another fun link: http://youtu.be/IBB0M8mQeL4

5. LEARN - "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return." ~ from 'Nature Boy' by Eden Ahbez. This one really trumps all... how can you love someone and not learn anything from? Part of making relationships work is compromise; even if you find someone that is so much like you it's spooky (like to the point where you start wondering if mom did have that affair with the milk man and you may have run into your long lost sibling! Yikes!!), you are not the same person and are bound to have differences from time to time. Those differences are what keep us unique... which is not a bad thing; it's essential to have your own life, find your own happiness in being and loving yourself before you could even begin to give love to another. Any-who! I like to call it learning though rather than compromising... learning from others and throughout all your encounters is sooooo incredibly important. And, we learn throughout our entire lives so it's natural, not difficult. We had to learn to speak, learn to read, to walk, make the bed, play with others, etc. And, we have to learn to live with others... learn about how others live, how they cook, clean, what makes them happy and sad, if they like to pee with the door open, how they fold the towels... you get the gist. But, there's more to it than that! Even throughout all the spats and tough times we learn how to deal with all the differences... it's imperative you never use what you learn against them. "With great power comes great responsibility" ~ Stan Lee. You must use the knowledge wisely and not to hurt someone in the heat of the moment. Let's say your arguing about who makes the best Arroz con Pollo... you like to cook the chicken one way and his machismo brings out that little devil on his shoulder that swears he is always right!! Keep it fair and avoid the temptation to throw the chicken at him... literally, don't throw things at each other. It never helps. Instead, learn from one another about what parts of the meal you each like the best and figure out a way to merge them together to make your own perfect version! Then use that analogy for everything else you disagree on. I could go on and on and on about this whole learning thing... let's sum it up with this: There's a reason for that oh so famous phrase, "You complete me." People are like big complex puzzles... sitting on the shelf just waitin' to get picked up, studied, and then stuck together in that aha moment.

Get it? Got it? Good. Now, take what you've learned and go forth my little love chickens. Live, listen, laugh, love, and learn... the rest comes naturally.

Facebook Appropriate?

Ever wonder if something's considered appropriate when you're posting on social media? Probably good practice. I'm always thinking about what kind of remarks my posts will draw in... the excitement of putting myself out there on a limb so-to-speak kind of makes me get butterflies in my tummy.

Mostly, I wonder whether or not a post will bite me in the ass at a later date. I mean, it's fun and all... posting provocatively funny or possibly offensive things to see what reactions are brought out from people following me. However, I would never want someone to get discombobulated over it... especially to the point of outrage. It's just not worth it!

Recently, there was a special on TV (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHpvG_KUKAM) about privacy on the internet and such... you probably saw it, if not, you should. It was rather enlightening. Let's say you're single (or not... whatever floats your boat), out one night looking for some action, and maybe you have had a few too many. Then, you fall off the bar stool (making a fool out of yourself no doubt... hey, we've all been there). The night's basically ruined and you end up going home alone. So, you grab a cab, make it home, and before passing out you want to continue your losing streak by posting something you think's quite hilarious to you at the time online (ALWAYS a bad idea... better choice would be to stick your face in your pillow and scream it out rather... MUCH better than the public shaming you're about to publish).

So, you pick up your phone or go to the computer and post something like, "Life sucks... going to go drown myself now!" Next thing you know your mother, friends, and the entire city police force is breaking down your door because they thought it was a suicide threat. Uggg... what a hangover that would create!

Or worse: you're pissed because you epic-ly fail a test at school that you spent at least half an hour cramming for... or you turn in what you think is the most brilliant proposal ever created by earthly beings to your boss who throws it in the trash without even bothering to finish reading. In the heat of the moment you post that you're going to blow up the school/ office or something similarly stupid. This produces a much more exciting effect and you end up being interrogated by the FBI in a dark, dank room with not-so-friendly body cavity search personnel. Albeit funny or seemingly harmless to you in the moment, but the first incident only makes you look like a loser to all your friends, family, and the local law enforcement. The second incident leaves you with a possible rap sheet that follows you EVERYWHERE you go, preventing you from getting that awesome job at the Pentagon you dreamed of snatching up... oh yeah, and a very painful toukas to boot!!

So, now you may be asking "what does it all mean Susie?!" Basically, as they say in Hollywood, "keep it classy!" You'll end up a much happier camper when all's said and done... not to mention you'll save yourself a lot of pain and discomfort in the rectal region... that's what's up!

Ready, Set... Give Birth in < 90 Minutes!

Fourteen years ago today ...right around now in fact (I started writing this around 10:30am), I was in the hospital giving birth to my son. This day most certainly will remain in mine and his father's minds as being one of the most extraordinary and stressful days of our lives. It surely took at least seven years off mine and probably ten off his dad's. Shadow was an early baby... seven weeks early to be precise (you'll see my opinion why below).

It was the scariest experience I will ever live through... the frantic feeling of my water breaking at 5 am, not knowing for sure what the heck was going on, calls back and forth to the birthing center midwives (they weren't sure but suspected it could just be a UTI or bladder infection and had planned to just call in a prescription for me when the pharmacy opened)... the worry and fear of what was really happening. When the supposed cramps became more frequent and very regular (thirty minutes apart, then fifteen, then ten...you get the gist) we knew it was time to book it. Just in time too... once we left the house headed to the birthing center (and later to the hospital) Shadow was made a reality in less than two hours!

The ride in the ambulance from the birthing center to the nearest hospital twenty miles away in Savannah only took about ten to twelve minutes... but it was the most horrifying part of the experience (even more so than labor)!! The EMS peeps did NOT want me to have a baby in their ambulance... and neither did I! As much as I absolutely looooooooove the thrilling experience of fast vehicles (especially driving them), I did not enjoy taking corners at what felt like 30-40 mph in the back of an ambulance with an IV sticking out of my arm... not my idea of a fun ride.

Now, I will admit that I'm ecstatic to have not had to push out a 7, 8, or 10 pound baby (Shadow was a mere 4 lbs, 9 ounces... my little 49-er!)... it had to be one of the easiest and fastest labors in history. I had read up a lot on giving birth and how quickly (and lengthy) some birthing experiences could be, but nothing prepared me for this. Actual labor was only an hour and a half at best... it was a very swift labor! Looking at it in retrospect, and hearing stories from friends' experiences, I'm lucky that my body wasn't wrecked by a longer and more laborious experience. And, I had a perfectly normal pregnancy... no morning sickness, average weight gain, mild heartburn and such is all. No other issues until that joyous day.

Shadow ended up in the hospital for only about two and a half weeks with some mild jaundice and apnea of prematurity (read one explanation of this very common condition of preemies here, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004488/), which was his only serious issue (and he outgrew it once he passed his expected due date about a couple of months later). We were very lucky though... some preemies had been in the NICU for months and had very serious conditions. I am thankful for my experience. I was somewhat upset that I didn't get the opportunity to experience giving birth in the big tub at the birthing center as planned... I was really looking forward to that.

Shadow began doing so well in fact, he surpassed expected weight gains and looked something like the Michelin Tire baby they used to show on the commercials... complete with rolls of baby fat. At six months he wore a handmade onesie that his father wore at eighteen months! I firmly believe the reason he came early was that he was just very hungry and wanted to begin life immediately. In fact, I never could keep up with breastfeeding him and always had to supplement with formula.

Skip to now. Shadow's growing so much... and taller than both his parents! Just started high school and so smart too... I know I'm biased in saying that but he really does well in school and learns things with ease. I'm just so proud to be his mom. And, I wish him the best 14th birthday a young man could ever have!! "If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes" ~ Euripedes

i like funny things

I've been researching this whole blogging thing for awhile and now feel brave enough to begin my blogging journey. I contemplated for quite some time what to do with myself in the last few years and may have found the perfect outlet. Since things are blowing up on the internet more and more as time passes I figured I better stop beating around the bush! So, without further ado... let's get this party started!

As mentioned above, I like funny things... there's nothing like a good laugh! In fact, it's supposedly good for you ...especially if you LOL which I thoroughly enjoy and take part in as often as possible. The louder the better!! In fact, my laugh might be considered obnoxious to some... but I really don't give a flip!

Anyways... did I mention that I like funny things? Funny people, funny animals, funny books, TV shows, movies, comedians... well, you get the gist. One of the funniest things I experienced recently involved the colorful play on words one might hear on TV like, "Well, blow me over!" and "Well, paint me purple and call me Barney!" Or this one, "Well, slap me with a turnip and color me flabbergasted!"

The above examples are "idiomatic" in that they're expressive and not necessarily intended to be taken literally... commonly heard in "colloquial American slapstick" ...at least that's how I understand it. Please feel free to correct me if you think otherwise.

Then, there's other titillating phrases such as, "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!" and... this one's one of my faves, "Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!" Hah!! "Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians!" is hilarious! I mean, WTF?! I didn't know lesbians were so entranced by chocolate... because they're women I guess. However, that may be largely presumptive... And the truly racy one, "Well, fuck me sideways and call me a letterbox!" I apologize if that one made your mouth drop open like a 2-dollar suitcase.

Well, I don't like to drag things out... so, I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. This was fun! Please let me know if you enjoyed it too! ...or hated it ;-) Later taters!